In a superficial world do we really want transparency?

Transparency is the big buzzword these days, whether in politics, business or education, but I wonder how many of us have truly considered the implications of being completely transparent. Transparency means revealing flaws, quirky and irritating behaviors and ultimately, motives. Are we truly ready for that? Or do we simply want transparency from others so we're not caught off guard by their actions?

In a world of superficiality, we can hide the truth about ourselves from one another. We can look a certain way in pictures on FB. We can present our best selves in the way we dress. Yet over time, even social media begins to reveal who we are, whether it is our political or social convictions or our true beliefs about current cultural propaganda.

The closer we get, the less we can hide. When people get to really know us, there is no place to run for cover. When we are stressed, or when express our emotions as we drive, or when we are perennially late for appointments, or when we forget to shut the refrigerator after we've reminded one hundred times, people see us as we are. The 'day-in; day-out' repetition of life slowly reveals the truth about us.

In our work life, people slowly come to see us without the varnish they observed when we interviewed and were hired. When we walked in the door, they saw someone with finesse, sophistication, polish and careful attention to detail. Over time, they've come to know us as we are - - - in all our frailty. Perhaps we miss deadlines, maybe we cut corners, sometimes we treat other people poorly and often we are locked in our own world.

In friendship, people truly get to know us - - - sometimes through an event that doesn't go well, sometimes when we blow off an appointment we said we'd have, and sometimes by attending to our phones more than them. The greatest friendships adjust over time for weaknesses and flaws revealed in 'transparency', whilst others simply fade away.

A marriage is the most powerful arena for revealing the truth about us over time. Perhaps that's why some marriages fail - - - because inevitably, all of our flaws become visible to someone who sees our quirky habits and our stubbornness in situations every day. And maybe the other person simply can't take it.

Conversely, forgiveness and sometimes simply accepting and overlooking the quirks we have strengthen a marriage over time as we admit (and work on!) our flaws. Forgiveness and acceptance are an antidote for the effects of transparency in marriage and most relationships.

Transparency is risky. Some may not want to know about our faults and flaws and damaged histories! So as the social media and culture press everyone for 'transparency', remember there is a down-side. It is wisdom that teaches us what to reveal to whom at what points in time. Sometimes we learn the hard way that those we trusted with our transparency have revealed things we never wanted anyone to know.

Transparency may also be unwelcome. It is illogical to reveal everything to everyone. Most won't care about our flaws and 'issues', a few will be irritated, some will be offended, and others will be shocked. And though they may applaud our willingness to display all our faults and flaws, it is unlikely people will be likely to see us in the same way in the future, for as much as people say they want 'transparency', they reveal their own cognitive dissonance when we don't meet their expectations.

So the big question is this: As we expect transparency from others, do we expect it of ourselves? Are we trying to learn the secrets of others and not reveal our own? That seems disingenuous, doesn't it?

Transparency without wisdom is ill-advised, but seeking others to reveal their flaws without revealing our own flaws and failures is simply another form of being superficial.