The power of beginning a year by pondering regret
For some of us, 2017 did not end well. Some of the decisions we made turned out terribly. Some of the things we said seriously damaged key relationships. Some of the actions we took went sideways with unforeseen consequences. We are, after all, human. And in our quieter, private thoughtful moments, our regrets find us. Surely it's best to push them into the past and keep them captive so they cannot harm us any more. Right?
What possible value can we find in reflecting on regret?
Isn't this a waste of time, a failure of 'positive thinking' gone awry? Aren't we always to look at the positive side of things? 'Silver linings' and all that sort of thing? Why ponder regret? What possible value can there be in dredging up pain and anger? Just move on - - - right? Before we do, it's worth pondering why the regret happened.
Regrets sting
We don't quickly forget a sting. Stings hurt. They are burning, sharp pains that grab our attention like few other pains. They get our attention and show us where we made a wrong turn or played with fire. The sorrow and pain cut deep. Hurt is not quickly forgotten.
Regrets teach
There is an interesting Biblical principle "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11) Any discipline we ever received from our parents or others in authority caused us to feel awkward, potentially shamed, but surely deeply aware of some failing on our part. Something went wrong and we knew we were responsible for what happened. Those lessons stick.
Sometimes our regrets have no real foundation. We merely did the best we could with the information we had at the time. Moving past those situations is easier when we accept our human limitations. We're not omniscient nor omnipotent.
Of course, there are bitter regrets of abused trust or worse. The regrets we live because of those we opened our hearts and souls to, only to find they showed disregard for the privilege of intimacy. The learning in those situations ranges from "I'll never trust anyone again" to outright bitterness toward ourselves for 'being such a fool'. Yes. But somewhere in that regret is something we did, something we owned, something we overlooked, or something we blinded ourselves to. Painful learning, but learn nonetheless.
A regret is a gateway to redemption
In my opinion, every regret opens a door to recovery and better things. (I can't say I've walked through all that came my way but they most certainly were there to take - - - it was a matter of will). The redemption may be intrapersonal (forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and frailties) or interpersonal (working through the mess and making things better through the hard work of conversation and forgiveness and reparation). It may take some time - - - perhaps months or years, but it can be done.
Step through the door
Look back to understand what happened, then do what must be done either to make it right or to move on - but do not miss out on the riches of the learning. And the year ahead will be better because of what we learned from the past.
My best to all in 2018 - Jim Bohn